Bambi's Tips on Welcoming a Baby Brother or Sister:
1. Pretend they don't exist. If you ignore them, the big humans might send them back to where they came from. I'm not sure where this is, but it smells funny.
2. Do not share your toys with them. Especially not your elephant toys. These are your toys only and should not be played with by baby siblings. If they try to play with them, bite them on the nose.
3. If they touch you, you will growl. No touching of any kind is permitted. This includes but is not limited to any sniffing on the bottom.
4. Do not share food. They are smaller than you, which means they do not like to eat. They can survive perfectly well on all the extra attention that the big human is giving to them instead of you. If they try to eat your food, you should hide it in a very special hiding place until it goes smelly and green. Under the sofa cushions usually works well.
5. If you live in a big house with stairs, you can trick your baby sibling into climbing them. They will only be able to reach the second step because their legs are too short and will become stuck. This leaves you free reign to do as you wish for the rest if the day without being disturbed. You can also try locking them outside in the garden.
6. Teach them to pee in the house. Under no circumstances should you let them pee on the paper that human leaves on the kitchen floor for us to read, unless it is the Daily Mail.
7. Teach them to chew things really well. This is a skill that every good baby sibling needs to learn how to do. The humans love it. This new skill can also be used as a punishment if the humans try to make us read the Daily Mail.
8. Teach them to bark. Barking is so much fun and sometimes other neighbours in your neighbourhood will join in and sign a song for you. If you're doing it really well, the big humans will also join in.
9. Tell them to sleep all day. If they are asleep, they cannot touch you, eat your food, steal your toys or annoy you in any way. When they are asleep you can utilise all the attention from the big humans. If they wake up, just sit on their head.
10. Under no circumstances should you show any of your secret love of affection to your baby sibling when the big humans are around. You must pretend to hate them and also look at them as if they have ruined your life. When they are gone, you can shower your baby sibling with lots of kisses and cuddles, protect them from other scary animals and play with them to your hearts content, but for God's sake don't get caught!